tail wagging

I used to compare myself to a big, goofy puppy as an insult. I would curse myself for galloping up to people and awkwardly blurting out “Hi! I’m Jackson! I think we should be friends!!” I mean, why shouldn’t we be friends? The problem with that type of vulnerability is that it’s often loaded. If I want to be friends and you want to be friends, then we become friends. Perfect. Easy peasy. If I want to be friends and you think I’m a big weirdo, then insecurity happens. If I want to be friends and you are distracted by other things, then insecurity happens. If I want to be friends and you’ve got a no vacancy for new relationships sign up, then insecurity happens. If I want to be friends and you think I’m hitting on you, then insecurity happens. If I want to be friends and insecurity makes both of us look away at exactly the wrong time, then even MORE insecurity happens.

So I walk up to you, put out my hand, introduce myself, and I give you the power to dictate how I feel about me. There’s only one possible outcome where I feel okay. Friendship. Acceptance. Mutual connection. Every other path leads to further evidence that there’s something wrong with me.

There’s something wrong with me.

That horrible nagging fear has hounded me for as long as I can remember. There’s something wrong with me. I used people, places, and things to assuage the fear. The endless hours I spent trying to figure out how to hide it, how to pretend it wasn’t there, how to just act normal. JUST ACT NORMAL!

What’s wrong with me?

It’s such a struggle when I’m enamored by connection and terrified of rejection.

But that’s the funny thing about change. I never notice when change is happening. I just turn around one day and realize that I’ve changed. It usually becomes apparent by a reaction (or lack of) to a familiar situation. Rejection = what’s wrong with me? But not today.

Today I was that goofy puppy. Today I galloped up to people and said “Hi! I’m Jackson! I think we should be friends!” Rejection happened. Maybe they were cat people. Who knows? But it doesn’t matter. Just for today, it didn’t matter what they did. This is the icing on the cake of the glory of today: I didn’t wonder “what’s wrong with me?” I wondered “what’s wrong with you?” And it wasn’t judgmental. It wasn’t ego. It wasn’t all “so step off bitch.”

It was more like: hey, opportunity is knocking here because I’m pretty awesome. I’m a good friend. I’m kind, generous, thoughtful, funny, loyal, and I can lift heavy things. I’ll give you the shirt off my back and wash it for you when you’re done. Because I love people and I love friendship and I love meeting for lunch. I love embroidering cool shit as gifts. I love to bring you food because I love to cook and I love to share. I see you and even if I just saw you yesterday, I’m overjoyed to see you again. I like to hug just one more time. You may have to tolerate lengthy conversations about Harry Potter and yoga, but it’ll be worth it. I’m more than just a hot piece of ass.

It was pointed out to me this evening by someone whom I love dearly that not very long ago, rejection equaled devastation. The very fact that I’m not hiding under the covers in a bitter morass of self-pity speaks volumes to how far I’ve come. The enthusiasm with which I delve into friendship has caused me quite a bit of pain in the past. It probably will again, too. But in order to fill my heart, I have to risk my heart. Nothing without a payoff, right? What’s the payoff? You. You’re the payoff. I could give you a long list of amazing women who’ve come into my life and filled my heart. If you’re reading this, you’re probably one of them. We fill each other. Life is full and whole and complete because of you and because of me and because of love.

Hi! I’m Jackson! I think we should be friends! (tail wagging)